There are so many words in my head, so many ideas. I want to scream, cut off all my hair, paint a canvas and throw out all of my clothes, I want to show the world my angst. show the world the pain I’m in. how much this isn’t fair. My soul is slamming against the bars, and there’s nothing I can do, My sisters little peanut, her little peanut that we were all so excited to meet, her little 5cm bundle of joy, growing and forming inside of her, We were all getting excited, dad didn’t mind being called grandpa, and we all just felt like a family. We were connected by our love for you at such a small age. 15 weeks, we were getting excited to see if you were a boy or girl, what music I could show you when you were older, and what mischief we could get up to, to drive Donna wild when you were little. the little bundle I was so eager to hold. Your tiny hands, sleepy little eyes, even your screams sounded appealing, because it would have come from you. Our little peanut.
But it looks like you won’t be coming anymore Peanut, It looks like you didn’t form properly, and please believe your mother loves you very much, That the little stomach I wanted to raspberry and tickle as you grow older, get pierced when you were old enough and be the cool aunty, Well it didn’t form, and I can’t tell you how sad we are. Distraught. Disintegrating. Your grandma cries for you. Grandpa shed some tears before he knew he had to be strong. but we all cared Peanut. Because you were our little peanut.
You be strong now, But we know what’s coming, we know the decision Donna must make, and we will all be there for your mummy. I will hold her hand and I will be there for her every step of the way. Because losing you Peanut, Just as I lost my little one, It’s going to hurt, and it’s going to hurt worse than mine, because they wanted you, they could keep you, They were going to be so happy. I’m so sorry little peanut, I wish we could hold your hand as we hold hers. Oh little peanut, at least you are surrounded by your mummy. Because she loves you so damn much.
Oh Peanut, little Peanut.
Too many tears to really think clearly. but know we are all thinking of you. of your mother and father, of grandpa and grandma. we are here for all of you. I will hold them together Peanut. Just as I would have held you. Held you together through your first heartbreak and been there every step I could. Because we all want you Peanut.